An open letter

From: T.N. Toost, US Bureau Chief, London Review of Breakfasts
To: All candidates for President of the United States of America

Dear Candidate,

As you no doubt know, The London Review of Breakfasts is the preeminent breakfast review organization in London, and as such is in a unique position to offer you the kind of international attention that you have no chance of finding anywhere else. We have a cadre of fans all around the world, many of whom vote in the most important elections in your country.

Our American bureau is conveniently located in Cleveland, Ohio – a small, sleepy yet important village on the North Coast of America. Because of your election system that almost nobody else in the world understands (save us, mind), Ohio is going to be one of the must-win states.

We therefore invite you to a candidate breakfast to be held in Cleveland, Ohio on a date convenient for you. To help you understand the importance of this breakfast, the last time we invited the candidates to breakfast, in 2008, John McCain, Ron Paul, Hilary Clinton and John Edwards all turned us down, citing scheduling conflicts. Each and every one of them lost the election.

Once we have interviewed each of the candidates extensively we will be in a position to endorse the candidate who will eventually win the nomination and the Presidential election in November.

We are busy, however, so please contact us soon to ensure that your schedule can be arranged to accommodate ours.

We look forward to breakfast with the future POTUS.

Sincerely,

Malcolm Eggs and T. N. Toost

The Ohio primary is on 6 March 2012