Coffee Cake, Finsbury Park

Coffee Cake
4 Blackstock Road
Finsbury Park
N4
020 7704 3100

by H.P. Seuss

Opened: 9am, Tuesday 19 September, 2006

Sun sign: Virgo

You are the Zodiac's virgin maiden, clean and white, unsullied and unassuming. You are helpless, eager and obliging, hoping to spread goodness through sweetness. You belong to the 6th astrological house: that of service. "Bite me" you say, giggling, "and protect me", fixing the gaze.

You are an elemental feminine force, offering sensual comfort: frangipan cakes and custard tarts, quiches and focaccia, eggs and muesli of a morning. Your ruling planet, Mercury, speaks of a strong mind/body connection; your ingredients are well-sourced. You are fair and so are your prices.

Poppy Tartt, a freshwater Pisces, found her croissant too salty. H.P. Seuss, a saltwater Cancer, found his eggs more muddled than scrambled, his mushrooms bland, but his sourdough wonderful. Virgo is more baker than chef. A plum and rhubarb tartlet was a stolen kiss.

You are fussy and fastidious. There is a certain snobbery in you, a judgement of your customer which will irritate him, even as you collapse into his arms. You fall easily into hero worship, unconsciously modelling yourself on men you look up to. The City and Islington College, the fine modernist cube up the road, hasn't failed to notice your imitation of his bold, sleek whiteness. Curves would be more becoming. Your fridge buzzes ever so loudly. You are a bit annoying.

Virgo's unplucked status may leave her permanently frustrated. Only in a truly loving relationship will you fulfill your earth mother potential. In your eagerness to please, you often make unsuitable choices. You hope your Ottolenghi-style elegance will raise the tone of garbage-strewn Finsbury Park. Beware cruel, dirty men who will take your cakes and leave, or worse, walk on by, oblivious.