The London Review of Breakfasts

"Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper." (Francis Bacon)

Monday, July 28, 2008

Maze Grill, Mayfair

Maze Grill
10 - 13 Grosvenor Square
020 7495 2211

by Rhys Chris Peese

My business manager, Martin, only came and knocked on my door.“What the fuck do you want?” I enquired.

“I’ve noticed,” he said, “there’s nowhere to get a Gordon Ramsay breakfast in London.”

“Fuck!” I said. “We’d better fucking sort that out!”

So I opened Maze Grill, and did it up in a pistachio and pebble colour scheme.

“How much should we charge?” said Martin.

“How about eighteen quid for the buffet, and twenty-six for a full fucking breakfast?” I said.

“…fine,” he said, totting up the massive fucking profit margins.

We planned the buffet first. We planned the fuck out of it. We ordered chorizo, Parma ham, miniature pastries, sweaty cheese – “And make sure it is fucking sweaty!” I yelled – cereals, yoghurt, and fruit.

“Call the muesli ‘Maze Grill muesli’!” I bellowed at Martin. “It’ll be indistinguishable from any other muesli, but we won’t have to pay the cunts at Alpen royalties.”

“We won’t have to anyway,” he said.

“Fuck off!” I replied.

Then we designed the cooked breakfast.

“How’s this?” said Martin, “Two eggs, streaky bacon, Old Spot sausages, mushrooms, beans, black pudding, and a tomato.”

“Too fucking generous!” I said. “For a start, make sure they’re the smallest fucking eggs there have ever been. Use quail eggs if necessary. And don’t waste much seasoning on them. That shit costs money! One sausage is plenty. Put the beans in a poncey bowl to disguise how fucking few there are. And only give ‘em half a tomato.”

“Half a tomato?” asked Martin.

“You heard, you fuck!”

“But they’re paying twenty-six quid.”

“Half a tomato is plenty!”

“How about three-quarters of a tomato?” he urged.

“NO!” I barked, involuntarily spitting in his eye, “Half a fucking tomato and not a fucking tomato seed more! And if they think that’s not enough then they can fuck off!”


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fucking brilliant review.

11:55 AM, July 29, 2008  
Blogger annie mole said...

And if Giles Coren wants in on this breakfast you can fucking tell him to take his sad sorry arse back to The Times for his fucking nosh.

3:23 PM, July 29, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I laughed so fucking hard my tea came out of my fucking nose.

4:00 PM, July 29, 2008  
Blogger mjw4849 said...

Expresso for £4.75 - that's outrageous! Great review.

4:20 PM, July 29, 2008  
Blogger Siggy Fried said...

I thought Christina was the hot one

9:19 AM, July 30, 2008  
Blogger Chris Pople said...

£26 for a fucking shit breakfast. What a fucking liberty. Cunts.

4:50 PM, July 30, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

an eye opening review to say the least.....great to expose the p*ss-taking of many restaurants! very funny

4:31 PM, July 31, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heehee, this is the best LRB review ever.

6:12 PM, August 05, 2008  
Blogger doctorwhy said...

Funny...except that quails eggs are actually more expensive than hens' eggs :P

1:26 AM, August 20, 2008  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Listed on BlogShares