The London Review of Breakfasts

"Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper." (Francis Bacon)

Monday, December 04, 2006

J's, West Hampstead

218 West End Lane
West Hampstead
020 7435 3703

By Goldie Quorn and Veggie Kray

Scene 1
Him: What are you having?
Her: Don’t know. But definitely lunch.
Him: Not breakfast?
Her: No lunch. Italians don’t do breakfast. They do lunch.
Him: I’m having the vege breakfast.
Her: Or I might have the eggs benedict.
Him: What IS eggs benedict?
Her: Not sure really. I think it is sort of egg sauce. On eggs.
Him: I’m having the vege breakfast.
Her: It’s lunchtime.
Him: So?
Her (Looks at menu again): Or maybe I’ll get pasta. Or brushetta. (Pause) Why don’t you get brushetta and I’ll get pasta?
Him: I’m having the vege breakfast.

Scene 2
Him: How is your eggs benedict?
Her: Nice. But the egg is way too runny. And the sauce is a bit weird. Eggy. (Pause) Nice though.
Him: Mine’s lovely.
Her: What sausages are they?
Him: Linda McCartney.
Her: Full of air. And fat. Nice though.
Him: I like them.
Her: Can I have a bit?
Him (Cutting a piece of sausage): And beans? Mushroom? Toast? Tomato?
Her: Yes please. With ketchup.
Him: I’ve only got one small sachet!
Her: The Italians don’t do ketchup.
(Pause whilst she eats huge mouthful from Veggie’s fork)
Him (Points at Goldie’s breakfast): Let’s have some of that then.
Her: It’s not that nice. The egg’s too runny. And the muffin’s soggy.
Him: You get salad though.
Her: Yeah. Bit weird with breakfast.

Scene 3
Him: Guess how much it is.
Her: I hate this game.
Him: I think it’s 12 pounds 57.
Her: I think it’s a 100 pounds.
Him (Opens bill): Hah. I win. 14 pounds 85.
Her: It’s 1 pound off each breakfast if you come before 12.00.
Him: We came for lunch.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Linda McCartney sausages are a good effort. Quorn would've been better. But you can't have everything. And at least it wasn't those sloppy mashed-up-vegetables-sausages.

5:12 PM, December 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the owner is an arrogant bastard,
he treats people like shit.

3:10 AM, May 12, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My girlfriend and I went there for lunch on Saturday. Table was dirty, not shown to our seat, waiter was uninterested and we were embarassed when the lunch offers displayed outside weren't true, ended up paying a lot more than the food was worth as we were loudly argued with, Italian style. Very poor indeed.

4:57 PM, January 26, 2008  

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